welcome to the (rubyfruit) jungle that is my brain.

today reminds me of the rainy season in cameroon.  owning no car, and with my bike in the shop, and the bike i was temporarily borrowing also out of order, i feel justified staying home from work today due to the rain.  the sound of rain is beautiful anywhere, but especially in a dry place like arizona.

a funny thing happens when your dreams begin to come true (hearing joni mitchel in the background here - "though his dreams have lost some grandeur in coming true..").  it's looking more and more like the fair trade cooperative is actually going to come into being.  and not only that, it's probably going to be combined with a grocery coop and a community action center. and an all ages performance venue.  with a recording studio upstairs.  yesterday i actually saw the space where it's all probably going to happen.

this is practically exactly what i sketched in my notebook one cameroonian morning, about 2 years ago, while sipping coffee.  so - why does it now feel kind of disappointing?  i guess the dreaming is over and now the logistics and hard work kick in.  now i have to deal with the realities instead of ideals, and things just can't possibly measure up.  the people i'm working with aren't my ideal team of course (because that would be impossible), and the space isn't the ideal space, of course (because an earth ship is a little expensive to build right off the bat, and other people aren't necessarily as into my wacky ideas).

funny because my main cohort in this venture seems to be all pumped up now that things are becoming more concrete, and i'm the opposite.  the planning and scheming stages are the ones that get me going.

i watched synecdoche last night, and one of the themes - that we struggle into existence and work hard to chase our dreams and then once we achieve our dreams, or not, they become disappointing. and we fade slowly out of existence. and this is everyone's story - resonated pretty strongly with me.

... i guess it's premature and egotistical to think i could have achiever's emptiness at this point (the lack of meaning after one has one the olympic gold medal or sold an album platinum must be more staggering).  hell, we haven't even opened our doors yet, much less broke even.  but just - this was all a pipe dream for me a short time ago, and now it's happening?  weird.  just weird. maybe i don't have achiever's emptiness but rather a post-dreamer's malaise.

after getting rejected in my plans to travel to mexico for the 3rd time (this time would have been an alternative spring break volun-tourism trip), i found a 2nd option at the last minute: guatemala.  turns out that the campus ministry group is going down there for spring break and apparently they are willing to let me tag along even though i'm a lesbian humanist.  seriously tho - they are all about social justice and not about evangelism, so i think it will be cool.

the best part is that, in addition to doing some tourism, we're visiting a fair trade coffee coop, and also a recycled brick building project where they use old plastic bottles to build houses.  i'm hoping to make some connections with people that i can work with when (not if, when!) this flagstaff fair trade coop gets off the ground.  one of the people who will be guiding us around down there also tipped us off to the traditional "mayanut" drink which is now being also made by a fair trade women's coop.

we leave on saturday and stay for a week.  i can't wait to check it all out.  now if i just spoke spanish..

well, tomorrow i might finally get to go kayak on some challenging whitewater, for the first time in... geez, at least 3 years if not more.  i met this guy who lives in flag and writes paddling books, and he is going to take me out with a bunch of people on oak creek, which looks to be an amazing run and only runs for a few weeks per year at best (we live in a desert).

i'm in the process of starting a fair trade cooperative in flag, too, with some other people in the community.  something that has come together last minute is a trip to guatemala over spring break to meet with coffee farmers i might get a chance to work with through the fair trade coop. 

also i'm organizing a legal aid workshop for immigrants and particularly family members of undocumented immigrants in flagstaff who are still reeling from recent ICE (immigrations and customs enforcement) raids that happened here.  we are building a movement that says that we're all humans, regardless which side of some arbitrary line drawn by a white man centuries ago which supposedly separates us. 

school goes.  it's not the main thing in my life, but it's fine.  next year when i start the actual mba program, it will probably become the main thing in my life.  that may suck a bit (tho in the long run, i think it's a very good idea), i'm enjoying being single right now, and having a life that feels fulfilling in and of itself. it's such a huge contrast to when i was feeling depressed after coming home from peace corps, i can't even begin to tell you how liberating.  it's like.. life seems worth living again. 

i am going to start eating a lot more beans, i've decided.  they are cheap and wholesome.  they are the best.  i already eat a lot of soy beans, but they are usually processed into something like tofu.  i want to eat straight up beans.  i want to grow beans and eat em.  i need some recipees.  anybody have any?

i just found out that louis armstrong liked his hometown beans and rice so much that he signed his letters

red beans and ricely yours,
louis

i can't say how sad it makes me that obama has already started dropping bombs and indiscrimatorily killing civilians.  i'm done trusting politicians.

and i can't believe people are just looking the other way and pretending that obama is this saviour.  he's not, people.  we have to hold him accountable as much as anybody.  we can't ignore that he has already bloodied his hands and wants to send the troops over to afghanistan, not home, and may well get us into another vietnam if we don't do something to stop it.  i know - we're sick of having to be cynical and having to attack our president and we're ready for hope and peace.  but guess what, it's not here yet.

yay for closing gitmo and undoing the global gag.
but this is not ok.

happy 79th birthday a few days late, martin luther king.

i sure wish you were with us still, to see obama's inaugeration.  my minister told us yesterday about the time you were stabbed at a book signing and would have drowned in your own blood had you sneezed.  and how a little girl wrote you a letter saying "i'm so happy you didn't sneeze."  you later gave a speech saying you were happy you didn't sneeze, too, since if you had sneezed you would not have been around to see the student lunch counter sit-ins in 1960.  and how when students started sitting in you knew they were really standing up for the best in the american dream. 

and how if you had sneezed, you wouldn't have been around in 1962 when black people in albany, ny decided to straighten their backs and won a desegregation campaign.  and how you said that "whenever men and women straighten their backs up, they're going somewhere, because a man can't ride your back unless it's bent."  i think you have a point, there.  i also think i could use a little back-straightening myself.  so today i'm going to meditate about back-straightening in your honor and memory.

and even though you aren't with us to see our first black president take office, you did say we would get there.  we aren't there yet, of course, but now we don't have to tell children that it's possible for a black person to be president, do we?  they will already know. 

when things got a little chaotic, my mom used to refer to our family as a three-ring circus sometimes when i was little.  she had no idea.

my friend mimi invited me to a circus party last night.  despite not knowing what that was (or perhaps *because* i didn't know what it was) i accepted.  it turns out that a travelling "radical circus" (for lack of better term, and to differentiate from animal-abusing circuses like the  shriner's circus) from milwaukee was passing through town.  they ended up staying at my friend's house because her roommate was friends with them, and they had tried to line up a show in flagstaff, but apparently flag's own "circus bachus" was unable to line up a proper show for them.  according to the circus people from milwaukee, circus bachus initially said they could do a house show at their house, but then changed that to "we're having a house party and you can come."  hence the circus party.

when i stepped into mimi's house, the circus party had already begun as far as i was concerned.  on top of the tv-less entertainment center was a cage with a rat in it.  zelda, according to the charming and flirty young woman (she made me an anarchist black star necklace out of a twist tie later that night) who was it's owner.  zelda was the only non-human member of the circus troupe.  however, as i went around the living room shaking hands, i soon met jugglers, musicians, magicians, and even a "boy-lesque" performer. 

as mimi and i attempted to bake some poppyseed muffins, we were so overwhelmed by jokes, loud balloons, and card and dice tricks that we could scarcely get out a measuring cup or find the salt.  going to the grocery store with the troupe was even more of a ... well, circus.  whether it was juggling oranges or balancing loaves of italian bread, the troupe never allowed for a dull moment in the store.  funny, i always figured that clowns would need some down time when they were off the clock.  not so, apparently - these kids just kept going like little energizer bunnies of radical circusdom.

sadly, there was no opportunity to see them officially perform.  however, i do think we got a pretty good show just by hanging out with them.

i went to my first house show in flagstaff last night at "the cottage house".  there were lots of random people and punk kids there. the music was mellow.  i liked it.   these guys played:  www.myspace.com/frenchquartermusic          

i feel so.. underground :)

yesterday i went cross-country skiing at winter park with mom and dad and tried out my new backcountry skis that i got for christmas. i already have skate skis, but they are fairly useless out west where the cross-country trails are not groomed regularly if at all.  for skating you need more than two little grooves, you need a 5-8 foot path of flattened snow, or it's not fun at all.  and out west with the volume of snow they get it would be impractical to try and keep such a trail groomed, especially when 99% of the skiers are only into downhill skiing anyway.  

i like cross-country because it's great excersize and it's a silent sport that gets you out into the woods without motors.  no motorized ski-lift, no pricey lift ticket, and no clear cutting a large swath of a mountain for recreational purposes.  and if you are really good, like the norwegians i know, you can ski up a mountain on your cross-country skiis and telemark turn down.

it was a beautiful day for skiing at winter park, with the sun shining on the light dusting of snow that had just fallen in the morning.  lots of kids were out training with their high school teams and playing around and doing ski jumps on their skinny skis. and the trails were nicely groomed. but it was ridiculously icy, with the melting that went on the day before, and winter park has a lot of super steep downhills that curve at the bottom.  i took a hard wipeout on the hard packed snow at the bottow of one of them, so my head was spinning for awhile and i've got a nice bruise developing on my right shoulder. 

when i met up with dad at the end of the day he said he had wiped out, too, and then we figured out that it had been the exact same spot, which i am now going to call stalheim's demise. this was pretty funny, because at winter park there are dozens of different trails and different steep hills that one could fall on, and because the hill where we both took a digger was in a place where you had an option to go left or right.  we both chose to go right to avoid the hill, not realizing that the right path actually took you down a much steeper hill than the left path. 

as a result, dad has a slightly sprained upper ankle (which didn't stop him from skiing several more hours) and also a nice bruise developing there to match my shoulder.  mom was the only one smart enough to avoid the steep hills all together in the icy conditions.  she stayed on the gently rolling trails and didn't fall at all. 

There are always people who dare to seek on the margin of society, who are not dependent on social acceptance, not dependent on social routine, and prefer a kind of free-floating existence under a state of risk.  And among these people, if they are faithful to their own calling, to their own vocation and to their own message from God, communication on the deepest level is possible.  And the deepest level of communication is not communication, but communion.  It is wordless.  It is beyond words and it is beyond speech, and it is beyond concept.

Thomas Merton

lazy and barely willing to leave his ranch during most of his 2 terms, bush is now truly sprinting toward the finish of his legacy of global destruction.  before he leaves office, he seems bent on selling as much of the environment as possible to corporations.  among other things, he has been granting leases to mining companies along the shore of the colorado river, something that will affect the drinking water supply of 1 in 12 americans, and which will be impossible for obama to undue.  *if* obama even stands for the environment once he gets into office. which... i'll believe it when i see it.

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i see christmas as one of the many solstice celebrations, and not the other way around.  the word "yule" comes from norse "jul" which means wheel.  as the darkest day of the year, winter solstice marks the turning point for the great wheel of seasons. as the wheel spins, the light returns, and then disappears again, in an everlasting cycle.

i'm looking forward to the solstice party tonight - it's a party that my parents' friends hold every year, and it's done the nordic way, with fire.  we light a bonfire at the first friend's house and have snacks and drinks there, and then take a torch from that bonfire and carry it to the next house and light a fire there.  this method is guaranteed to bring back the sun, and has worked every single time :)

the only thing is, it's going to be below zero tonight in our north-central wisconsin township of little black, and i'm getting some sore throat symptoms. not a good combo.

mari boine, singing above, is a sami woman, one of the indigenous people of northern norway and sweden.  in their homeland, winter solstice is true darkness, since they are above the arctic circle.  when my mom, my sister & her husband, and i were bike touring northern norway, we went to a sami museum, which was fascinating.  sami music, called "joik", was was banned in norway well into the 1900s, along with sami language.  today sami people are fighting like so many indigenous people to undue this cultural destruction and erasure.

lyrics to "voui voui mu" translated into english:

Vuoi Vuoi Me

Vuoi my little yellowbird
Vuoi my summernight bird
cuckoo and eagle
Vuoi my swallow
with nest under riverbanks
Vuoi nighttowl
with limitless vision
Vuoi vuoi me

Vuoi vuoi joy
with hearty laughter
Vuoi sorrow
with oceans of salty tears
Vuoi vuoi frost
winter and cold
Vuoi summer with burning hot days
Vuoi vuoi me


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it always surprises me when a friend who i didn't previously think of as homophobic tells me that it would make them "uncomfortable" or be "distracting" to be in an environment that was mostly gay - or even if just half of the population was queer - even being in that environment for as little as a week.

last night at open mic night, i had such a conversation with my friend. he was telling me about how his sister goes to smith college but is not a lesbian. he said he wouldn't be able to handle going there. he said if he were at a school that was half gay, it would be too "distracting" to learn. he added that it wasn't only the people who were gay, but they talked about gay stuff in lots of the courses.

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i recently started attending a free series of zen meditation classes led by a generous woman i know from the uu fellowship, and have found it to be exactly what i need right now. i'm not sure if it's a practice i'll continue with, or if it's something i am drawn to only for the moment. but it occurs to me that i have been practicing zen at various points - mostly while kayaking or hiking - for most of my life. it's just that i'm being more intentional about it now.

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sometimes i think that language is a barrier to understanding instead of a help. lately i have been thinking about the concept of silent witness a lot.

take the ice (immigration and customs enforcement) raids that have been happening in flagstaff over the past several days. look at what is happening - i mean, simply examine the actions that have taken place. poor people living in homes that they pay for with very hard earned wages - wages far too low for the work they are doing, and wages earned by doing work that no one born in america would ever want to do - these people were taken from their homes and ripped away from their families by big burly men wearing light green uniforms and wearing badges that say "ice." this is absurd.
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i just got back from a whirlwind visit to our nation's capitol.  it was pretty cool to be around all of those majestic marble buildings with their inspiring latin etchings and have them not seem completely ridiculous.  we finally, for the first time in my life, have a president truly worthy of respect, who is intelligent, mannered, and thoughtful as a president should be.  who can articulate important political points, weigh political ideas with wisdom, execute a flawless campaign, inspire people, win back the trust and respect of the global community, and.. lead. 

it's about time.

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maybe it's my recent participation in an interfaith convergence to raise awareness of darfur. maybe it's my recent return to the unitarian church after a long hiatus from organized religion. maybe it's my recent interest in practicing meditation and mindfulness. for whatever reason, i feel inclined to ruminate about religion and spirituality.

i was raised in a christian church called "united church of christ." since then, i have learned that this is one of the most liberal denominations of christianity, but back then of course i had nothing to compare it to. the things i remember from the osseo, wisconsin united church of christ, where i went until we moved away when i was 7:

- pretty stained glass windows

- having to wear a dress ( i was a huge tomboy and HATED dresses. my mom always tells a story of one time where i was basically ripping off my dress in the middle of church because i couldn't stand being in it one more second)

- being bored sitting in the pews, playing with my bag of toys that my parents gave me
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i started going to the unitarian church here in flag - this was my 2nd sunday.. it's always a little weird going to church after i haven't been for awhile. as liberal and unconventional as uu church is compared to the christian churches i grew up in, there are still times when the congregation has to all stand up and repeat certain words together (that all may not fully agree with), and the sermon still consists of one person sharing her "wisdom" and "insight" with the rest of us.  that is not to say that this minister, and ministers in general, did not have a lot of great insight to share - she did.  but so do many other people in the congregation, and yet we must keep our own reflections on the topic at hand to ourselves.  this unilateral format in preaching is one tradition that i'm surprised unitarians have not altered - although each congregation is unique, and i'm sure there exist some uu groups who do engage in a more balanced and participatory service.  amusing to me is the fact that, when participation from the congregation does in fact take place, it's in the form of call and response or recitation of a text - as if those in charge are worried what might happen if we actually spoke something besides what is scripted.
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i had been growing accustomed to ads and had been tuning them out until the other day, when a particularly gruesome ad on facebook caught my attention. the header was "watch live liposuction!" eww. then i started noticing that i was getting tons of liposuction ads from some arizona lipo company. i clicked on the thumbs down sign and selected the "offensive" option. but i still got the ads. plus the only other ads i was getting (which i only now started to notice) were dieting ads, and the occasional fashion ad.

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