i started going to the unitarian church here in flag - this was my 2nd sunday.. it's always a little weird going to church after i haven't been for awhile. as liberal and unconventional as uu church is compared to the christian churches i grew up in, there are still times when the congregation has to all stand up and repeat certain words together (that all may not fully agree with), and the sermon still consists of one person sharing her "wisdom" and "insight" with the rest of us.  that is not to say that this minister, and ministers in general, did not have a lot of great insight to share - she did.  but so do many other people in the congregation, and yet we must keep our own reflections on the topic at hand to ourselves.  this unilateral format in preaching is one tradition that i'm surprised unitarians have not altered - although each congregation is unique, and i'm sure there exist some uu groups who do engage in a more balanced and participatory service.  amusing to me is the fact that, when participation from the congregation does in fact take place, it's in the form of call and response or recitation of a text - as if those in charge are worried what might happen if we actually spoke something besides what is scripted.


still, though, there is something special about getting together with other people for a spiritual purpose. about shared rituals that have a common meaning. about having group meditation time. about sharing joys and sorrows and listening to those of others. and about pooling resources for social justice efforts. it's nice. when it came time for sharing joys and sorrow, two lesbian couples announced joys - having eloped and gotten legally married in california. sorrows were a mixed bag of death, health problems, depression, and drug dependency.

todays sermon was about fall, and how as the darkness comes we pull into our inner selves. summer was compared with active yang, and winter with passive yin. fall has always been my favorite season. maybe it's partly because i like introspection, and curling up in a blanket on a cool night with a cup of hot cider, and reading a good book - fall and winter are cozy times when it's acceptable to do those things. equating this to a mental state, it's true that i like to retreat from the world and spend time with myself thinking, writing, reading - so much so that it can be hard to push myself out of that safe cozy inner world and interact with my fellow humans.

to add to the theme of introspection and the inner world, my dreams have been playing an active role in my life lately, and yesterday, my friend justin and i explored a nearby lava river cave. being in a cave always seems symbolic of the unconscious mind to me, and i wonder if most cavers aren't introverts.

our minister also read something today that was very poignant to me. i forget whose work she was reading from, but they said that inside each of us, deep in our center, there is a "you" who is not composed of your biography. and a you who has not been hurt or judged, who is confident, vibrant, and fully you. the "you" who existed before society told you who to be. there is still a piece of her left, somewhere, and introspection and meditation can be an opportunity to aquaint one's self better with this "you" and to not forget her, to bring her out into daily life more.

when i envision that part of me, i imagine myself as a 5-year-old tomboy, banging on my new drum set and wearing a cowboy outfit. i remember how loud i used to laugh and how socially courageous i used to be before i got the message that such behavour was obnoxious. people used to say they could hear me laughing from a mile away. people used to have to tell me to pipe down when i was a kid.

nowadays, tho, i am more often asked to speak up.

i have this pair of knickers that my friend alasia sewed for me, and for some reason, when i wear those - or my tailor-made pajamas from cameroon - that's when i feel the most in touch with this inner me from my childhood, the one who laughs so loud. i want to be her again. but she doesn't feel safe coming out much anymore.