welcome to the (rubyfruit) jungle that is my brain.

mom schools me on lesbian fashion

Wed, 23 Jun 2010 22:44:38 GMT

after years of picking out pink ruffly clothing for me and not understanding why i never liked anything she picked out, my mother has evidently turned to ellen for dykey wardrobe support.

since i got to wisconsin, she's been taking me shopping for clothes for tanzania. while shopping one day, she mentioned that i might want to get a jacket for my business casual wardrobe, explaining that ellen wears them. before i had a chance to ask why this mattered, mom explained that ellen is the one she looks to in order to find out what gay women wear. the answer is simple shirts with a jacket, simple slacks, and tennis shoes.

gee, i've always had a hard time picking out clothes - too bad someone didn't tell me before that this is the nouveau lesbian uniform to replace flannels, mullets, and jeans!

i had to explain to my mom that tennis shoes probably wouldn't go over as well for business casual in a social enterprise in tanzania as they do on an american talk show. then again, who knows...

facebook

Sun, 29 Nov 2009 04:42:49 GMT

the first ad in the upper right-hand corner of my facebook page reads "balance your life." the ad just below reads "christmas your profile."

ha.

Net Impact launch

Wed, 18 Nov 2009 17:00:37 GMT

The NAU chapter of Net Impact - "a network of students and professionals committed to using the power of business to affect positive social change" - is officially launched. Monday night, we had a panel on social entrepreneurship and a green-catered reception afterward. The best part is that we managed to get over 200 people to our launch event, because the event was a "Pathways" program. Essentially, this means that students get credit for attending.

I got to moderate, which was pretty fun, and explain briefly what social entrepreneurship is, and then we had 3 panelists. All of our speakers were awesome - we were definitely lucky to have them - but the part of evening that will stick in my mind was one of Billy Parish's power point slides. It showed the proportion of business students who thought money was more important than passion when finding a job. Predictably, most of the business students thought this. However, when they followed up with these same people 10 years later, they found that the people with the most money were those who thought that passion was more important than money.

Now, it's not like you have to convince me that passion is more important than money - I know this. And the reason it's more important isn't because it can make you rich in the end anyhow. But for the hundreds of freshmen and sophomore business students sitting in the crowd? I think that's something a lot of them needed to hear. And it was in their language: profit-ese. :)

Another awesome thing was that one of the speakers was the executive director of a nonprofit that works to empower young women through mentorship and running - and she identified herself as a feminist. I think it might be the first time I've ever seen someone identify as a feminist in the business building since I got here. Sweet.

We will change things, little by little.

saison de pluie

Wed, 20 May 2009 21:14:01 GMT

today reminds me of the rainy season in cameroon. owning no car, and with my bike in the shop, and the bike i was temporarily borrowing also out of order, i feel justified staying home from work today due to the rain. the sound of rain is beautiful anywhere, but especially in a dry place like arizona.

Fri, 27 Feb 2009 08:12:06 GMT

well, tomorrow i might finally get to go kayak on some challenging whitewater, for the first time in... geez, at least 3 years if not more. i met this guy who lives in flag and writes paddling books, and he is going to take me out with a bunch of people on oak creek, which looks to be an amazing run and only runs for a few weeks per year at best (we live in a desert).

i'm in the process of starting a fair trade cooperative in flag, too, with some other people in the community. something that has come together last minute is a trip to guatemala over spring break to meet with coffee farmers i might get a chance to work with through the fair trade coop.

also i'm organizing a legal aid workshop for immigrants and particularly family members of undocumented immigrants in flagstaff who are still reeling from recent ICE (immigrations and customs enforcement) raids that happened here. we are building a movement that says that we're all humans, regardless which side of some arbitrary line drawn by a white man centuries ago which supposedly separates us.

school goes. it's not the main thing in my life, but it's fine. next year when i start the actual mba program, it will probably become the main thing in my life. that may suck a bit (tho in the long run, i think it's a very good idea), i'm enjoying being single right now, and having a life that feels fulfilling in and of itself. it's such a huge contrast to when i was feeling depressed after coming home from peace corps, i can't even begin to tell you how liberating. it's like.. life seems worth living again.

red beans and ricely yours

Fri, 30 Jan 2009 19:25:57 GMT

i am going to start eating a lot more beans, i've decided. they are cheap and wholesome. they are the best. i already eat a lot of soy beans, but they are usually processed into something like tofu. i want to eat straight up beans. i want to grow beans and eat em. i need some recipees. anybody have any?

louis armstrong liked his hometown beans and rice so much that he signed his letters

red beans and ricely yours,
louis

mlk

Mon, 19 Jan 2009 20:46:44 GMT

happy 79th birthday a few days late, martin luther king.

i sure wish you were with us still, to see obama's inaugeration. my minister told us yesterday about the time you were stabbed at a book signing and would have drowned in your own blood had you sneezed. and how a little girl wrote you a letter saying "i'm so happy you didn't sneeze." you later gave a speech saying you were happy you didn't sneeze, too, since if you had sneezed you would not have been around to see the student lunch counter sit-ins in 1960. and how when students started sitting in you knew they were really standing up for the best in the american dream.

and how if you had sneezed, you wouldn't have been around in 1962 when black people in albany, ny decided to straighten their backs and won a desegregation campaign. and how you said that "whenever men and women straighten their backs up, they're going somewhere, because a man can't ride your back unless it's bent." i think you have a point, there. i also think i could use a little back-straightening myself. so today i'm going to meditate about back-straightening in your honor and memory.

and even though you aren't with us to see our first black president take office, you did say we would get there. we aren't there yet, of course, but now we don't have to tell children that it's possible for a black person to be president, do we? they will already know.

family circus

Sat, 17 Jan 2009 23:03:49 GMT

when things got a little chaotic, my mom used to refer to our family as a three-ring circus sometimes when i was little. she had no idea.

my friend mimi invited me to a circus party last night. despite not knowing what that was (or perhaps *because* i didn't know what it was) i accepted. it turns out that a travelling "radical circus" (for lack of better term, and to differentiate from animal-abusing circuses like the shriner's circus) from milwaukee was passing through town. they ended up staying at my friend's house because her roommate was friends with them, and they had tried to line up a show in flagstaff, but apparently flag's own "circus bachus" was unable to line up a proper show for them. according to the circus people from milwaukee, circus bachus initially said they could do a house show at their house, but then changed that to "we're having a house party and you can come." hence the circus party.

when i stepped into mimi's house, the circus party had already begun as far as i was concerned. on top of the tv-less entertainment center was a cage with a rat in it. zelda, according to the charming and flirty young woman (she made me an anarchist black star necklace out of a twist tie later that night) who was it's owner. zelda was the only non-human member of the circus troupe. however, as i went around the living room shaking hands, i soon met jugglers, musicians, magicians, and even a "boy-lesque" performer.

as mimi and i attempted to bake some poppyseed muffins, we were so overwhelmed by jokes, loud balloons, and card and dice tricks that we could scarcely get out a measuring cup or find the salt. going to the grocery store with the troupe was even more of a ... well, circus. whether it was juggling oranges or balancing loaves of italian bread, the troupe never allowed for a dull moment in the store. funny, i always figured that clowns would need some down time when they were off the clock. not so, apparently - these kids just kept going like little energizer bunnies of radical circusdom.

sadly, there was no opportunity to see them officially perform. however, i do think we got a pretty good show just by hanging out with them.

french quarter

Thu, 15 Jan 2009 22:17:15 GMT

i went to my first house show in flagstaff last night at "the cottage house". there were lots of random people and punk kids there. the music was mellow. i liked it. these guys played: www.myspace.com/frenchquartermusic

i feel so.. underground :)

stalheim's demise

Mon, 29 Dec 2008 18:44:02 GMT

yesterday i went cross-country skiing at winter park with mom and dad and tried out my new backcountry skis that i got for christmas. i already have skate skis, but they are fairly useless out west where the cross-country trails are not groomed regularly if at all. for skating you need more than two little grooves, you need a 5-8 foot path of flattened snow, or it's not fun at all. and out west with the volume of snow they get it would be impractical to try and keep such a trail groomed, especially when 99% of the skiers are only into downhill skiing anyway.

i like cross-country because it's great excersize and it's a silent sport that gets you out into the woods without motors. no motorized ski-lift, no pricey lift ticket, and no clear cutting a large swath of a mountain for recreational purposes. and if you are really good, like the norwegians i know, you can ski up a mountain on your cross-country skiis and telemark turn down.

it was a beautiful day for skiing at winter park, with the sun shining on the light dusting of snow that had just fallen in the morning. lots of kids were out training with their high school teams and playing around and doing ski jumps on their skinny skis. and the trails were nicely groomed. but it was ridiculously icy, with the melting that went on the day before, and winter park has a lot of super steep downhills that curve at the bottom. i took a hard wipeout on the hard packed snow at the bottow of one of them, so my head was spinning for awhile and i've got a nice bruise developing on my right shoulder.

when i met up with dad at the end of the day he said he had wiped out, too, and then we figured out that it had been the exact same spot, which i am now going to call stalheim's demise. this was pretty funny, because at winter park there are dozens of different trails and different steep hills that one could fall on, and because the hill where we both took a digger was in a place where you had an option to go left or right. we both chose to go right to avoid the hill, not realizing that the right path actually took you down a much steeper hill than the left path.

as a result, dad has a slightly sprained upper ankle (which didn't stop him from skiing several more hours) and also a nice bruise developing there to match my shoulder. mom was the only one smart enough to avoid the steep hills all together in the icy conditions. she stayed on the gently rolling trails and didn't fall at all.

Wed, 24 Dec 2008 21:12:37 GMT

There are always people who dare to seek on the margin of society, who are not dependent on social acceptance, not dependent on social routine, and prefer a kind of free-floating existence under a state of risk. And among these people, if they are faithful to their own calling, to their own vocation and to their own message from God, communication on the deepest level is possible. And the deepest level of communication is not communication, but communion. It is wordless. It is beyond words and it is beyond speech, and it is beyond concept.

Thomas Merton

this land is our land

Mon, 22 Dec 2008 19:21:42 GMT

lazy and barely willing to leave his ranch during most of his 2 terms, bush is now truly sprinting toward the finish of his legacy of global destruction. before he leaves office, he seems bent on selling as much of the environment as possible to corporations. among other things, he has been granting leases to mining companies along the shore of the colorado river, something that will affect the drinking water supply of 1 in 12 americans, and which will be impossible for obama to undue. *if* obama even stands for the environment once he gets into office. which... i'll believe it when i see it.

on december 3, bush's interior department issued a "new rule" to try and take away congress' power (granted in a 1976 law) to put an emergency stop to resource extraction. revoking the 1976 law will open up the door for ground-water polluting uranium mines and water-intensive oil shale mining industry in the colorado river watershed.

apparently feeling free now to quench their thirst for environmental exploitation, last week the bush administration auctioned off 359,000 acres of federal land for natural gas projects on the banks of the colorado near moab, utah.

359,000 acres. of federal land.

i sure hope that the obama's pick for the new secretary of the interior, ken salazar, is not as conservative as he sounds. at best, he sounds like he might be a good diplomat in the tricky web of conflicting interests that makes up environmental politics. at worst, he's already in the pocket of mining and ranching companies. lately, obama - with his rick warren debunkle - is disappointing me a little. i know i shouldn't be surprised, but i guess i dared to hope because it was just so tempting.

solstice

Sun, 21 Dec 2008 17:34:01 GMT

i see christmas as one of the many solstice celebrations, and not the other way around. the word "yule" comes from norse "jul" which means wheel. as the darkest day of the year, winter solstice marks the turning point for the great wheel of seasons. as the wheel spins, the light returns, and then disappears again, in an everlasting cycle.

i'm looking forward to the solstice party tonight - it's a party that my parents' friends hold every year, and it's done the nordic way, with fire. we light a bonfire at the first friend's house and have snacks and drinks there, and then take a torch from that bonfire and carry it to the next house and light a fire there. this method is guaranteed to bring back the sun, and has worked every single time :)

the only thing is, it's going to be below zero tonight in our north-central wisconsin township of little black, and i'm getting some sore throat symptoms. not a good combo.

mari boine, singing above, is a sami woman, one of the indigenous people of northern norway and sweden. in their homeland, winter solstice is true darkness, since they are above the arctic circle. when my mom, my sister & her husband, and i were bike touring northern norway, we went to a sami museum, which was fascinating. sami music, called "joik", was was banned in norway well into the 1900s, along with sami language. today sami people are fighting like so many indigenous people to undue this cultural destruction and erasure.

lyrics to "voui voui mu" translated into english:

Vuoi Vuoi Me

Vuoi my little yellowbird
Vuoi my summernight bird
cuckoo and eagle
Vuoi my swallow
with nest under riverbanks
Vuoi nighttowl
with limitless vision
Vuoi vuoi me

Vuoi vuoi joy
with hearty laughter
Vuoi sorrow
with oceans of salty tears
Vuoi vuoi frost
winter and cold
Vuoi summer with burning hot days
Vuoi vuoi me

mari boine on the sami music ban:

what does this have to do with solstice? well, indigenous religion is where solstice celebrations originate, and that album is called "in the hand of the night." but i came up empty-handed on my original search for a youtube video of my favorite solstice song, "darkness cover me," by sara thomsen. . i saw sara thomsen perform it at a solstice concert in minneapolis a few years back, and it was wonderful. i like the idea of the seed "deep in the dark soil of the earth." the idea of the solstice symbolizing the potential of the seed that is planted in the "womb of the night."

on another tangent, when i couldn't find sara thomsen and was looking for traditional norse music for this solstice post, i kept coming across edward grieg, tho i was looking for something older. i came across several versions of "in the hall of the mountain king" and it reminded me of the time when i was an assistant teacher at pre-school in maryland, we had a norwegian day, and i read a story to the kids and we played "hall of the mountain king" and we all hid and started creeping out like trolls. it was pretty fun, but i guess i got a ghoolish look on my face and started clawing my hands a little too much, because the head teacher told me to tone it down, i was scaring the kids.

anyway, for some not-so-traditional norse music, here is another version of "in the hall of the mountain king" by apocalyptica. i think one of the guys in this band is a little overly full of himself, but these boys sure can play 'em some strings.

privilege blinders

Wed, 10 Dec 2008 20:43:43 GMT

it always surprises me when a friend who i didn't previously think of as homophobic tells me that it would make them "uncomfortable" or be "distracting" to be in an environment that was mostly gay - or even if just half of the population was queer - even being in that environment for as little as a week.

last night at open mic night, i had such a conversation with my friend. he was telling me about how his sister goes to smith college but is not a lesbian. he said he wouldn't be able to handle going there. he said if he were at a school that was half gay, it would be too "distracting" to learn. he added that it wasn't only the people who were gay, but they talked about gay stuff in lots of the courses.

keeping in mind that he studied astronomy, not political science, i still found his "distracting" comment disturbing. of course it would be distracting - when you grow up with privilege, loosing it even if for a day is... well, mind boggling. but in a good way, right? i mean, why not take off your privilege blinders and walk a mile in the other person's shoes, right? not that it's the same experience as actually being a minority, but at least you can get a slight clue, and it might be a gateway to deeper understanding. in my opinion, the world would be a far better place if everyone who is part of a racial, religious, or sexual majority was forced to step out of their privileged position in society for just one day and see what the world looks like when you're a minority.

i didn't try and disagree with him outright, but instead told about my experience as a white person attending a class at howard, a black university, and how instead of viewing my unusual racial minority status as "distracting" i viewed it as very educational - more so than any course i could ever take.

i had another convo like this with a straight female friend awhile back after i'd invited her to come to michigan womyn's music festival with me - a womyn only music event at which most goers are lesbians. she couldn't go, but later when i gave her a report of the event and told her that, if i had to guess, i'd say 90% of the women there were lesbians, she was shocked that i had asked her to go in the first place. "i would have been, like, the only straight girl there!" she said.

um, excuse me? in my world, 90% of the population is ALWAYS of an orientation other than my own - 365 days a year. don't you think you could try it for one week?

what's disturbing, i guess, is that a lot of my friends - including those who view themselves as "gay-friendly," they see their majority, privileged status as their enshrined right without ever even thinking twice about it. and, i have to ask this question: if we are not willing to give up our own privileged status for even a *day*, how can we ever hope to eradicate racism, sexism, or homophobia?

Sun, 07 Dec 2008 20:55:09 GMT

i gave the children's message today at church - it was about fair trade chocolate (complete with samples, of course).. i was kind of ridiculously nervous about this - maybe more nervous than i would have been speaking to adults. (this morning in half-conscious dream state between the first and second rounds of my alarm clock, i kept having dreams about doing this children's message). but it went fine. pretty great, i might even say.

yesterday's fair trade sale at the uu church was good, too, except that i lost the key to the church somewhere between the bank and the coffee shop. (wtf?? i never lose keys. wallets yes, keys no.) so it didn't exactly start out on a positive note. but i had plenty of volunteer help and business was pretty good considering it was the first year. next year should be even better if we do it again.

there is a *lot* of stuff left, tho. i over-ordered, for sure. hopefully the sale on sunday will be decent. my parents and granmother will be visiting, so i intend to rope them into volunteering at it :) hey, i help paint the house and stuff when i'm home, so..

anyway, my mom prefers working to idling. protestant work ethic all the way.

practicing zen at fisher's point

Mon, 01 Dec 2008 20:10:59 GMT

i recently started attending a free series of zen meditation classes led by a generous woman i know from the uu fellowship, and have found it to be exactly what i need right now. i'm not sure if it's a practice i'll continue with, or if it's something i am drawn to only for the moment. but it occurs to me that i have been practicing zen at various points - mostly while kayaking or hiking - for most of my life. it's just that i'm being more intentional about it now.

saturday afternoon, i went on a sort of zen retreat of my own making. it had been a long while since i'd been solo camping, and with the past week of emotional upheaval it seemed time for some spring cleaning of the soul.

i affirmed my notion that it's legal to camp in the backcountry off the arizona trail without a permit and headed out to the sandy canyon trailhead. one of the reasons i chose this hike was because my hiking guide book told me that it passed through "the pit," a popular climbing area just outside of flagstaff that i hope to frequent this spring and summer. i wanted to see where the pit was and what it was like.

i began practicing mindfulness as i loaded up my trusty old gregory backpack that i got at a gear swap 10 years ago and hopped on my kona bicycle (one of the best things about this trip was that i was able to get from my door to the campsite and back entirely on my own power, without a drop of petrol). the only problem biking with my pack created was that i couldn't wear my helmet, because the top of my pack pushed my head forward uncomfortably. so i had to ride the 6 miles to the trailhead helmetless.

the weather was sunny and beautiful when i arrived. i locked my kona to a ponderosa pine and began hiking through the forest. as i walked, i tried to maintain mindfulness. once in awhile, i did feel like i achieved a true clarity and emptiness of mind for a moment, but i'm a beginner at meditation, and this is still very difficult for me. my mind often wandered, increasingly settling on my recent breakup. still, even when i thought of this, it was not with any anger or harsh feelings, only with a reminiscent longing. the sunshine and the natural beauty called to my mind the best of liz's personality, the gentleness and the goodness and the kindness that she radiates. the courage with which she enters the world with virtually no defenses. the compassion she shows for other people and for animals. and i missed all of this, and wished she were with me. i wished she was not leaving my life. i tried to let go of these thoughts though, and focus on my breathing and the sunshine.

in sandy's canyon, i found a perfect snack rock in the dry riverbed next to the trail. the rock was shaped like a giant booster seat, facing the sun. i climbed up on the rock and ate a sweet macintosh apple with relish while the sun warmed me. a couple of hikers walked past.

after my snack i continued the short jaunt to fisher's point, which stands at the intersection of walnut canyon and sandy's canyon. at the base of the cliff is a large cave, carved out of sandstone that is rippled with thick folds.

the view from the top of fisher's point was gorgeous, and i could see three trails intersecting in a y-shape far below. the trail forming the stem of the y was very dark with black sand, while the branches of the y appeared lighter in color, the left branch twisting as it made its way down sandy's canyon toward the pit. one might take many allegories from the wide wilderness vista and the three intersecting paths below. on a less serious note, though, the image reminded me of zelda, an adventure nintendo game i used to love as a kid.

seated on the white sandstone ledge overlooking the canyons, i enjoyed the last moment of warmth before the sun sank. i cleared my mind as i watched the glowing horizon darken and a fingernail clipping of moon brighten in the sky.

the night was cold, but i managed. snuggled in a sleeping bag i read teachings of the buddha by the light of my bicycle headlight. despite the cold, i did sneak out of the tent later in the night to get a good look at the stars. the sky was perfectly clear, and they were beautiful. the white sandstone slabs that formed a series of steps leading to the overlook glowed white in the starlight.

in the morning when the warmth returned i climbed out of my tent and saluted the sun with my own homespun version of a sun salutation. i sat on the sandstone ledge again and attempted to draw the view in my journal. drawing is certainly not my strong point, but i still find the act of drawing satisfying somehow.

i spent some time meditating on the ledge before packing up my tent and hitting the trail home, delighted to have found an ideal spot for a meditative retreat only 10 miles from my house. it could easily be a day trip as well, and is even reachable by mountain bike, provided one is equipped with hutzspah and a spare tube.

thanksgiving

Tue, 25 Nov 2008 21:39:46 GMT

sometimes i think that language is a barrier to understanding instead of a help. lately i have been thinking about the concept of silent witness a lot.

take the ice (immigration and customs enforcement) raids that have been happening in flagstaff over the past several days. look at what is happening - i mean, simply examine the actions that have taken place. poor people living in homes that they pay for with very hard earned wages - wages far too low for the work they are doing, and wages earned by doing work that no one born in america would ever want to do - these people were taken from their homes and ripped away from their families by big burly men wearing light green uniforms and wearing badges that say "ice." this is absurd.

yet the average community member accepts this practice. why? because of the justifications ice makes. because of the bizzare consensus we have in our society that the geographic place of ones birth determines where they have a right to live, love, and work.

but if you zoom out from all of this arguing and see only images: people suffering in mexico, travelling to the us to provide for their families, working long and hard hours for meager pay, living peacefully in their homes until one day they are snatched by uniformed men. it doesn't take any additional knowledge to know that what is happening is wrong.

a similar thing happens if you look at a rich community where i used to live in bethesda, maryland. in this place, called brookmont, there were a bunch of rich white families with shwank jobs and then there were their nannies of color. many of these women were probably undocumented and poorly paid. when you zoom out from this situation and look at it from a distance, from far above the ground at a point where you cannot hear the words being said or the justifications in place... what exactly is the difference between this and slavery, really? what is the difference between capitalism and slavery except that in capitalism there is an illusion of freedom?

tomorrow i am travelling to the mexican border with no mas muerte, a humanitarian aid group who patrols the trails along the border where people try to cross and places emergency food and water packets for them to find. i am going to a place where humans are hunted with dogs. i will spend my thanksgiving be thankful i am not in that situation myself, and thankful that there are some people who care, thinking about what i can do with my life to lessen global injustice.

<edited to add>

* last year 183 dead bodies were recovered from the Arizona-Sonora border

obamanos

Tue, 11 Nov 2008 02:12:50 GMT

i just got back from a whirlwind visit to our nation's capitol. it was pretty cool to be around all of those majestic marble buildings with their inspiring latin etchings and have them not seem completely ridiculous. we finally, for the first time in my life, have a president truly worthy of respect, who is intelligent, mannered, and thoughtful as a president should be. who can articulate important political points, weigh political ideas with wisdom, execute a flawless campaign, inspire people, win back the trust and respect of the global community, and.. lead.

it's about time.

in addition to participating in a touching and powerful event, tents of hope (www.tentsofhope.org), i got to see a 2 friends from peace corps cameroon who i hadn't seen for a year and one from pc gambia who i hadn't seen in 4.5 years, and also my old friend fidel from my undergrad years at american - who just got back from living in china, and who i hadn't seen for... 5 years! i also got to eat at one of my favortie african restaurants (ghana cafe) tour the museum of african art (my favorite), and check out the new american indian museum. not to mention, i had my first official couch surfing experience thanks to couchsurfing.com. i acquired a drum which used to be my mom's friend's daughter's, and plan to resume west african drumming lessons.

i also finished the book "eastern body, western mind" which uses a combination of chakra system and psychology as a path to self transformation. great book, with some great insights. it also has some very specific meditation and art therapy excercises which i plan to put into action.

the fresh snow on the ground when i returned to flagstaff and a vegan meal at hip restaurant with my friend justin also have me feeling fresh and rejuvinated. ready for our big repeal coalition event coming up on november 19th and the fair trade sales i'm organizing on december 6th and 14th. i'm also looking forward to next semester in school, which should be more challenging and engaging.

new president. new fresh snowy air in my lungs. new consciousness. new mindfulness. new self. :)

(y)in-trospection

Sun, 21 Sep 2008 23:54:14 GMT

i started going to the unitarian church here in flag - this was my 2nd sunday.. it's always a little weird going to church after i haven't been for awhile. as liberal and unconventional as uu church is compared to the christian churches i grew up in, there are still times when the congregation has to all stand up and repeat certain words together (that all may not fully agree with), and the sermon still consists of one person sharing her "wisdom" and "insight" with the rest of us. that is not to say that this minister, and ministers in general, did not have a lot of great insight to share - she did. but so do many other people in the congregation, and yet we must keep our own reflections on the topic at hand to ourselves. this unilateral format in preaching is one tradition that i'm surprised unitarians have not altered - although each congregation is unique, and i'm sure there exist some uu groups who do engage in a more balanced and participatory service. amusing to me is the fact that, when participation from the congregation does in fact take place, it's in the form of call and response or recitation of a text - as if those in charge are worried what might happen if we actually spoke something besides what is scripted.

still, though, there is something special about getting together with other people for a spiritual purpose. about shared rituals that have a common meaning. about having group meditation time. about sharing joys and sorrows and listening to those of others. and about pooling resources for social justice efforts. it's nice. when it came time for sharing joys and sorrow, two lesbian couples announced joys - having eloped and gotten legally married in california. sorrows were a mixed bag of death, health problems, depression, and drug dependency.

todays sermon was about fall, and how as the darkness comes we pull into our inner selves. summer was compared with active yang, and winter with passive yin. fall has always been my favorite season. maybe it's partly because i like introspection, and curling up in a blanket on a cool night with a cup of hot cider, and reading a good book - fall and winter are cozy times when it's acceptable to do those things. equating this to a mental state, it's true that i like to retreat from the world and spend time with myself thinking, writing, reading - so much so that it can be hard to push myself out of that safe cozy inner world and interact with my fellow humans.

to add to the theme of introspection and the inner world, my dreams have been playing an active role in my life lately, and yesterday, my friend justin and i explored a nearby lava river cave. being in a cave always seems symbolic of the unconscious mind to me, and i wonder if most cavers aren't introverts.

our minister also read something today that was very poignant to me. i forget whose work she was reading from, but they said that inside each of us, deep in our center, there is a "you" who is not composed of your biography. and a you who has not been hurt or judged, who is confident, vibrant, and fully you. the "you" who existed before society told you who to be. there is still a piece of her left, somewhere, and introspection and meditation can be an opportunity to aquaint one's self better with this "you" and to not forget her, to bring her out into daily life more.

when i envision that part of me, i imagine myself as a 5-year-old tomboy, banging on my new drum set and wearing a cowboy outfit. i remember how loud i used to laugh and how socially courageous i used to be before i got the message that such behavour was obnoxious. people used to say they could hear me laughing from a mile away. people used to have to tell me to pipe down when i was a kid.

nowadays, tho, i am more often asked to speak up.

i have this pair of knickers that my friend alasia sewed for me, and for some reason, when i wear those - or my tailor-made pajamas from cameroon - that's when i feel the most in touch with this inner me from my childhood, the one who laughs so loud. i want to be her again. but she doesn't feel safe coming out much anymore.

consumer profiling on the internet

Mon, 15 Sep 2008 18:59:04 GMT

i had been growing accustomed to ads and had been tuning them out until the other day, when a particularly gruesome ad on facebook caught my attention. the header was "watch live liposuction!" eww. then i started noticing that i was getting tons of liposuction ads from some arizona lipo company. i clicked on the thumbs down sign and selected the "offensive" option. but i still got the ads. plus the only other ads i was getting (which i only now started to notice) were dieting ads, and the occasional fashion ad.

i started getting pissed. why am i getting so many of these ads? the only thing i ever buy on the internet is music and books, so if facebook profiles consumer tastes to market to people, why can't they give me ads for those at least? then i looked into how facebook markets, and apparently they look at the "actions" and "preferences" of all of your friends. ugh. does this mean my friends have liposuction interests? i doubt it. i have a feeling that being a woman and having friends who are women earns you diet and lipo and fashion ads.

i tried to give the online marketeers a clue by joining a bunch of outdoor/activist/music lover type groups. i also joined a group for wasabi peas appreciation and bamboo is sustainable. if you're going to try and sell me things, try things i like. i'm still not going to buy them but at least i won't have to look at lipo ads. since then i've gotten a couple of book or social cause ads, but its still mostly fashion.com ads, hair removal, and dieting shit, especially the latest fad which appears to be an acai berry diet endorsed by oprah? color me fed up and disgusted.

since then i've also been noticing the ads on yahoomail more. and wondering if those are targeted too? i use my email address when buying things on the internet.. and now i feel like the internet is just becoming this gross commercial land where there is no adfree space. maybe i need to pay to get an account with no ads.

all this is to say that i think i'm gonna take a break from the myface madness and start livejournaling more again. at least i'm not constantly bombarded with messages about my body and appearance and how unacceptable they are, and how i should improve them.

oh, and "Oprah's NEW Acai Berry Diet!" can blow me.

happy birthday to me

Thu, 11 Sep 2008 21:05:16 GMT

i am at work sitting under a large and colorful bouquet of balloons that say happy birthday which was sent to me by the sweetest girlfriend ever.

:) well, this is one way to come out to your coworkers...

Thu, 29 May 2008 18:36:39 GMT

jeez. time to give my lj some love, it's been awhile.

let's see..

- i got into the northern arizona university mba program and got offered the peace corps fellowship, so i'm going down to flagstaff in july or august. the job i'll be doing for the fellowship sounds interesting - it's with the rural policy institute, doing research on stuff like predatory loaning practices and enterprise development in native american communities http://www.franke.nau.edu/RPI/

- my old hobbling minivan got stolen. when it was taken it had a vintage 70's couch in it and when it was recovered the couch was missing. they cut out half of the door and punched the ignition and i would have had to pay to have it towed out of the impound lot to a mechanic, so i just let them junk it in the end - wasn't worth the money to fix it. anyway, now i get around by bike. which, with gas prices being what they are, is not so bad.

- i stopped canvassing and got an office job and now i live in a cubicle from 7:30am-4pm. a potato named norbert lives on my desk, along with several robots made of found objects and a large green paper mache head that is kind of medusa looking which my friend caity made for me.

- i moved out of my ridiculous house with the landlord who comes over and gets drunk and yells at all hours of the night and eats my food.

- i'm gettin my serve on a little. helping teach kayaking this weekend @ canoe u on the kettle river and i signed up to volunteer with inner city outings. my friend paul is gonna put me to work on his education referendum campaign too.

- my grandma turned 80

GRAND CANYON! a cell phone photo essay

Mon, 21 Apr 2008 19:34:11 GMT

the first rental agency wouldn't rent me a car because my card is an atm card as well as a credit card, and they need to have a straight up credit only credit card.

good thing, because the other agency - budget - which did accept a check card gave me this:

it was the cheapest thing they had, so i couldn't argue.

i proceeded to try and find two different swimming holes using my handy dandy new swimming hole guide book, but struck out both times. the road was blocked off at the first place, and the second place i just couldn't find despite hiking pretty far upstream along the bottom of the canyon where it was supposed to be. hiking in the canyon among huge boulders was still pretty awesome. when i finally found my way back to the mustang, i decided to head to red mtn.

once i was at red mtn, i noticed that i was half way to the grand canyon. 'what the hell?' i thought. i probably am coming back here for school and should have more chances to visit the big ditch, but you never know, i could go down in a plane crash on the way home. and then what a shame, not to have seen one of the seven wonders of the world before death, esp having been so close to the thing. so i drove to the outskirts of the park and slept in my mustang.

the next morning i caught the sunrise:

and went for a little hike on the bright angel trail, sipping coffee

update from flagstaff

Sun, 20 Apr 2008 18:24:37 GMT

i'm sharing some yerba mate tea with a german and an argentinian at the international hostel in flagstaff. they are having a nice conversation while i tap anti-socially on my computer keyboard. i've just checked out of the hostel since you have to check out by 11am, but they are letting me keep my bag locked up here until 2pm, when my rental car is showing up.   (well, to be fair i am piping in once in awhile)

at that time i plan to drive over to a swimming hole in oak canyon featured in my recently purchased book of southwestern swimming holes. unfortunately, the weather is cooler today than it has been, so i'm not sure i'll actually feel like swimming when i get there. i might just lay on the rocks and take in the scenery and read a book while soaking in the sun. and perhaps polish off a mini bottle of chardonay that my roommate left behind in the refrigerator.

i should probably back up a second and explain why i'm here - to check out the mba program at northern arizona university. i had an interview with the program coordinators on friday, and based on that i'm pretty sure i'll be accepted and offered the peace corps fellowship, which includes a tuition waiver and a small stipend. so i am probably in my future home right now.

yesterday i went to sedona, which is sort of the junior version of the grand canyon, with my hostel roommate carol and another hostel guest, sheegecko (i have no idea how you spell her name, actually, but that's how you pronounce it shee - gecko). sheegecko is from japan, and she's in the us doing the "longest walk"  www.longestwalk.org . she doesn't speak that much english, but she radiates compassion. she's a nurse, and appears to be in her 50's, and wears simple linen clothes and a well-worn sunhat. she has been walking from san francisco but now has to go back to japan because her visa ran out. she plans to spend a month in japan before coming back to catch up with the group and walk the rest of the way to washington dc in solidarity with native americans.

carol is originally from china, but has been living in the us since she was 16. 2 years out of college, carole recently quit her job as a sales analyst for an environmentally-friendly pet toy company in san francisco and is on a solo road trip across the country on route 66. ( www.gonefishingunitedstates.spaces.live.com )

carol has a freewheeling and liberal air, although i found her views on the subject of tibet to be surprisingly conservative.  during our dinner at a thai restaurant the night before last, she told me that the idea of tibet as an independent nation was naive, because tibet was too far behind the rest of the world and "needed so much help." she feels that the tibetan people are being used for a political agenda by those who are fighting for independence.

on our way to sedona, we stopped at oak creek canyon for a short 3 mile hike. the hike followed oak creek and we hopped across it on rocks several times. in the background were some pretty nice views of grand canyon-esque sandstone formations. the terrain was easy and gently rolling, so there were lots of families out, too, as well as a large group of school kids.

to be honest, when we entered sedona my first reaction was revulsion. the landscape was awe inspiring, but the commercialized tourist strip, complete with "pink jeep tours" and "the new age center" reminded me of the wisconsin dells injected with targeted new agey marketing. sedona is the home to 4 "vortexes," supposed "energy centers" where "the earth's energy is supposedly increased, leading to self-awareness and various kinds of healing." ( http://travel2.nytimes.com/2006/04/09/travel/09sedona.html ) . my skepticism of these vortexes does not come from a skepticism of spiritual energy, but of marketing, and of cultural appropriation. according the sheegecko, who knows a lot about native american culture, the place used to be forbidden to visit for anyone except a shaman, back in the days before the american genocide. to see it now pimped out to yuppy tourists in pink jeeps was sad to say the least. i think sedona is a good example of what happens to a beautiful natural paradise when it's not protected.

sheegecko is buddhist and had read about the vortex energy center thing, so she really wanted to check them out.  we went to one called cathedral rock, and hiked up to a big flat rock from which one could see both cathedral rock and another vortex, bell rock. on the big flat rock was a new age tour group of maybe 25 people, practicing pseudo tai chi. sheegecko wanted to climb up to the top, but carole and i weren't groovin on it, so we told her we'd wait for her. she ended up coming back down shortly saying the rock got too steep for her. she asked me if i felt anything from the vortex, and i said no. she said she didn't either.

after sedona, we headed to jerome, a mountainside settlement of artists that used to be a ghost copper mining town but was revived by hippies who rebuilt it in the 70's. it reminded carole and me of european mountain towns in the alps (except with american style houses). there were probably 50 different art galleries to visit, but we just managed to see a few. we saw the jerome museum and had pizza at bordelo pizzeria "the best slice in town." it was, too. there was a very artsy, hippy, yet unpretentious vibe in the town, and though there were hundreds of tourists, there were not many of the super cheesy tourist shops (we searched for a bumper sticker that said 'jerome' for carole's car, and came up empty-handed), and it didn't feel nearly as commercialized as sedona, even though it was very commercial in its own way.

go, sisters!

Wed, 27 Feb 2008 23:57:16 GMT

african lesbians speak up:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/7266646.stm